Popular Funny Quotes

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film.
Too much agreement kills a chat.
I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I'm not particularly intellectual or clever or minority-focused in my creative instincts. And I'm certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions.
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I showed what I can do with butter, right? Eighty-five percent increase in sales. I'm very proud of them Country Life ads. They were funny and clever and classy like the Toblerone ads I grew up with.
We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.
Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny.
Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
The moment I was introduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.'
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don't have their assistants and entourage, it's funny to see what happens.
It's funny, because in deference to conventional wisdom, I spent my struggling writer years trying to suppress my naturally baroque literary voice and write clean, spare prose. I finally gave up and embraced my baroque tendencies when I wrote the Kushiel series.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you're not throwing the baby out with the bath water.
It's a bit like school camp, shooting a film. Everyone's on heat. It's a strange energy. It's full of adrenalin. I funnel my excess energy in funny little ways. I do a lot of dancing in my trailer. I love music.
The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
It's quite funny in that I once won Rear of the Year at my school! I was about 17 in the sixth form and we used to have an end of year celebration and give out different awards. I even got a little trophy!
There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.
Funny story: I was hanging out with Adam Shankman for Samantha Ronson's birthday, and Lance Bass was there. I don't really know Lance, but he comes over to me and goes, 'Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm a fan of 'Pretty Little Liars' and I'm rooting for your character.' It was surreal! That's how 'PLL' has changed my life.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
My dad was in the army so we moved around a lot and I changed schools every year and had to make new friends, and I found that if I was the funny guy I could do that easier.
Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.
Alien Chutney is just what the name suggests it is. Its music that is so funny and quirky and weird that it feels entirely alien to the listener; yet, the content and the subject matter is so Indian and relatable, it's still chutney.
The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we've all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that's a gift - to you and your audience.
I think it's harder to go from comedy to drama than from drama to comedy. Seeing you dramatic all the time, they crave to see you being silly or funny. But, seeing you in comedy all the time, it's hard to see that person go be serious, for some reason.
The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.
Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned.
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
I love funny people. I met and became friends with some of the funniest people ever. Gilda Radner, bless her soul; Martin Short; Dave Thomas; Eugene Levy.
It's funny that a lot of the fans of 'Angel' have come over and hung out with me on 'Leverage.' I was so fortunate to have been on that show. It created one of the best fan groups ever. I just have the best fans in the world.
Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching 'Daddy's Little Girls' literally in tears.
People just don't laugh when their family is violated, and you don't shrug it off. You band together and you defend together. It's a funny, primitive instinct.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time.
I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything - funny, attractive, hard-working, she has integrity, she loves me to bits.
Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder.
I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it.
Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles.
I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it, and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work, but it ain't easy.
Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast.
The key is just to ignore the pain, because physical comedy only works if you see someone get hurt and they aren't actually hurt. If someone gets hit in the face with a bat, falls down, and gets back up, it's funny. If they stay down and their jaw is wired shut in the next scene, it's really tragic and weird. You have to pretend it doesn't hurt.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented.
That's a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, people say, 'Don't go changing.' Well, that's easy to say, but the fact is, you don't change at all - other people do.
Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time.
One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
I have a crush on Steve Tyler. He's funny, he rocks, and has a voice like a god. There is another one who I have discovered can sing. I should try and make an album with him... it's Barack Obama!