Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations... (wikipedia)
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'