Uncle Jack: If he's cursing on TV, then, he's tight.
Shelly Nix: [when asked if he can find Max] Piece of cake. It's no harder than shutting down AOL for an hour. Not that I'd have any interest.
Kevin Caffrey: Hold your head up, 'cause you got that double-chin thing going on.
Berger: [as sheik] He says with that price, camel can dance up pyramid. It loses in translation.
Amber Bellhaven: Very hip. Very cool. Very Vegas in the sixties.
Berger: You ever read the papers?
Kevin Caffrey: I used to, but the news kept changing.
Tracey Kimberly: Massaging you is like kneading dough. And as for the sex, let me be honest. It's like sleeping with a damp sheep!
Max Fairbanks: I robbed a thief! How can you not see the humor in that?
[watching as Max makes a fool of himself on TV]
Uncle Jack: Now this is entertainment!
Judge: Sell the house!
Max Fairbanks: Up yours, you fat pig!
Edwina: Why is it that every time Kevin's in trouble, we drop our things, but when I want help, you act like you're through a tunnel and can't hear me?
Windham: Maybe because I *like* Kevin!
A rich man catches a thief burglarizing his home and steals the thief's lucky ring, who then tries to get it back.